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  The Traditional Christian's Guide to the Family in Modern Times

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Modern Human development

We are all born selfish, ignorant, and helpless. Our initial helplessness may be designed to get  new parents to set aside some of their own selfishness to care for another. Many secularists think that humanity is evolving towards a social utopia. They fail to understand that humanity is doomed because of our intrinsic selfishness. As Christians we have the opportunity to transcend our natural selfishness. This is called walking after the Spirit instead of the flesh (Galatians chapter 5).

Much of parental instruction consists of taking steps to teach children how to make use of self-discipline (often through the application of external discipline). Christian parents can give their children an extra advantage. Teaching them to trust in the gospel (1Cor 15:1-4) gives them access to the possibility of not only resisting selfishness through self-discipline, but transcending it by walking by the Spirit.

The difference between walking by the flesh (selfishness) and walking by the Spirit (selflessness) can be seen in the biblical definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which is essentially selflessness. That this is the goal of the Christian life can be seen in 2 Corinthians 5:15. It is also the result of the Holy Spirit working in us (Gal 5:22-24). The Christian parent has an important role to play in showing their children how to live the full Christian life in addition developing the skills of self-discipline.

In his Outline of History, H.G. Wells writes, trying to help the reader understand the perversity of the Roman emperors, to consider how they themselves would have turned out if every whim and wish they had from the time they were children was instantly gratified. Most can imagine how damaging this would be to an individual but often fail to see a similar effect of the Dr. Spock book on child care advocating minimal discipline that was popular in the 1950s.

Even before mobility is obtained, infants as young as six months can be taught to use sign language to communicate such as words for, “more", “please", and “thank you". This sort of early start in communication helps a child look to their parent as a key source of instruction.

As infants grow into toddlers, they acquire skills in mobility and perception such that whatever attracts their attention can become a target of acquisition. This can bring them into conflict with other toddlers that might want the same things. At this point parental discipline and instruction begins to shape, restrict, and mold the character of the child. Self-discipline, delayed gratification, sensitivity to others, and many other character qualities are developed starting this early. Neglect of this sort of instruction can be a severe handicap often resulting in an adult with difficulty resisting his own selfish and self-destructive desires.

A child who grows up with little application of external discipline to help him develop self-discipline may find that societal consequences such a prison will apply a degree of discipline. Self-discipline allows the adult to have more options in life than being a slave to his desires. One might wonder to what degree alcoholism, drug addiction, or philandery might be attributed to a lack of self-discipline.

As a child leaves toddlerhood, he becomes increasing able to connect the “why” of things to his understanding of his discipline encounters. Obedience based rule following is an opportunity to develop self-discipline, however, it is a shallow way to go through the rest of life. To navigate better life’s complexities requires the application of principles. For example, instead of relying on self-discipline to suppress annoyance, choosing instead to lovingly forebear. At this age only rudimentary skills can be observed, but it is essential to establish this foundation so that it can be built upon.

This is the beginning of being able to apply a philosophy, ethics, or religion to one’s life. Some parents stop at the “Because I told you to” stage because it seems easier. Attempting to apply a rule following approach to parenting beyond the early stage can make a child rebel or acquiesce, either of which can lead to a disconnection of the child from parents. A parent can tell a child not to touch the top of the stove. However, taking something warm (not hot) from the stove and placing the child’s hand on it can be a stronger lesson as to why not to touch the top of the stove.

Consider the example of teaching a child not to lie. One can provide punishment for the lies that are detected. However, it can also be educational to explain what happens when lying. One incrementally loses the ability to discern truth themselves leaving them more vulnerable to being deceived. Lying is usually done to gain an advantage or avoid a consequence in this way it feeds the flesh. Those who are lied to see the liar as one who has contempt for them and relationships and reputations are harmed. Lying is corrosive and like the path of the alcoholic, one becomes so given over to his habit that he redefines truth as whatever will get him what he wants.

In a way, the rules needed for early childhood are like the law given to Israel. It does not produce righteousness, but it acts more like guardrails to curb the worst excesses. Sadly for Israel it took over 500 years before they stopped practicing idolatry. Parents should be able to expect more rapid learning.

The transition to teenage years is usually accompanied with the addition of the mental capacity for abstract thought. This often results in the “dark” introspective age of thirteen. This transition can be made easier if parents have a pretty close relationship with their child and the child feels comfortable asking questions. This also means that the parents have learned enough themselves to be able to instruct. This transition is much more difficult for children who have not yet developed the self-discipline to manage their own selfishness.

If one sees the teenage years as the transition from childhood to adulthood, one can see the need to help the child make assessments and evaluations before making decisions or taking action. One common example is the desire for a car. The desire can be strong and only modified by consideration of cost, insurance, maintenance, and need. These sort of assessments constitute the calculus of life. We all have to make cost / benefit considerations. For example a teenager that wants a car so he can go to a minimum wage job may discover that his car expenses may exceed his anticipated salary. This can be disappointing, but educational. In a way, this is an expansion of the “why” of things. A child who has been only exposed only to a rule based environment may be deficient in the skills needed to make assessments.

The college age is a difficult one. Mark Twain is reported to have said that when he was 17 he couldn’t believe how stupid his father was and when he was 21, he couldn’t believe how much his father had learned in four years. While a one or two year old can feel confident of his new found ability to walk, it can’t come close to the confidence of an 18 year old to chart his own course through life.

Perhaps because parents insulate their children from some of the many more painful life encounters that can deflate pride, their children often have exaggerated confidence of what they can expect from life. That Satan has selected this age group for his most intensive indoctrination speaks to their particular vulnerability. Here a distinction should be made between education and learning. Learning is what an individual does. Education is what is done to the individual. The draftee of this age who is sent into combat often finds his faith, while his contemporary in college often looses his.

Public education usually harms children in that for twelve years they are told to take in what they are told and remember it long enough to be tested. This tends to foster an unquestioning reception of information, inhibit critical thinking and questioning, and produce a general apathy  and a specific resistance to hearing anything sounding like a lecture. Sadly, most of Christianity is practiced as surrounding a lecture / sermon.

Because of the limited access parents and grandparents have to their children, information that shapes culture and values is not often transmitted sequentially from one generation to the next anymore, but injected peripherally through teachers, media, and peers. It is not common for parental instruction to be sufficient to resist the onslaught of external acculturation. For this reason alone, the Christian parent should consider homeschool.

Perhaps the single greatest indicator of worldly influence can be seen when two young people “move in together”. Similar to lying, in that those who practice it seldom appreciate the reasons for not doing it, this act is a declaration of ignorance or defiance. The hesitancy to marry indicates an uncertainty of the other person or a desire to keep one’s options open. The pursuit of pleasure without consequence is hardly a character quality that demonstrates real love (selflessness). Also, many are unaware that oral contraceptives produce many (perhaps most) chemical abortions by the failure of the embryo to implant.

When entering a strange environment like going in the Army or prison where one does not have any idea of what to do, one often does what everyone else is doing because at least if it is wrong, there will be others in the same boat. This is how many young people are imprinted with the patterns of the world. The role of Christian parents should be to teach their children to be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matt 10:16). Not everyone starts their adult life as ignorant as I did, but I found great value in seeking out as much useful information as I could. Much of what is written in this book might be seen as obvious by some, however, it is not always bad to have a reminder.

A life lived for self often results in entering old age alone and at a loss to explain why one feels so unsatisfied. Even if materially successful, not having an investment in others can leave one impoverished. This all too common trajectory of modern life is both sad and avoidable. Parents can do much to train their children to navigate the perils of the world. Even those whose parents did not adequately prepare them such that they took a wrong turn here or there can still come to paths of recovery.




  


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