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Recovering From Abuse
| Getting out of abuse
is key. For kids this can mean waiting years or getting external
intervention. Once a safer environment is achieved, work can begin on
repair. Abuse usually results in two types of injury, the negative
things that happened, and the lack of positive developmental skills.
In order to try to repair the negative damage, it will be important to
mentally distance yourself from both the incident and personality of
the abuser. This can be difficult when it is a parent. It can help to
consider the abuser as a retarded child who flails around causing
damage with no idea that they are out of control. This helps make it
less personal. This sort of mental distancing can allow a person to
look at what they experienced more like a car accident than a personal
attack.
It can be more difficult to identify what positive skills one is
missing because of the abuse. One of the most common is noticing that
one is not able to slip into and out of reflexive social situations.
People who have not experienced difficulty seem to have this social
advantage. Those who have experienced trauma generally are cautious and
do not extend trust as automatically as those who live more by reflex.
People like cops, emergency room nurses, combat veterans, and even
ex-cons may have experiences that also make them less reflexively
trusting. However, one does not have to be reflexive to be socially
engaged. It is possible to use a front of social conviviality and
civility to interface with people that does not require trust. Over
time one can slowly and intentionally extend trust.
The bible cautions against a root of bitterness (Heb 12:15). This is
because holding on to bitterness can poison a life. This is where
Christianity offers a significant advantage. Things that are of the
flesh are generally selfish and self-focused. Being able to let go of
that and embrace an attitude of love (the selflessness and other
orientation of Christ-likeness) found in walking by the Spirit can
allow past injuries to fade from memory.
Although much can be repaired, the effects of abuse can result in
permanent physical or emotional damage. However, even like a person who
lost a leg in combat or a car accident, one can usually learn to
maneuver even with more limited abilities.
Sometimes people come to think that as Christians we are obligated to
forgive everyone. This applies only when someone asks for forgiveness.
Most people never think they have done anything wrong so forgiveness is
seldom required. If someone does ask forgiveness, they should
understand that one may still establish boundaries to protect
themselves.
Two issues that are important in recovery are trust and control. It is
understandable that one might be guarded and only slowly extend trust
to another. Being able to have an environment that one can control is
also important. People who have been abused may not have fully
developed skills to take control of their environments and need some
time to learn how to develop and exercise these skills.
Php 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but
this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and
reaching forth unto those things which are before,
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