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Christians and Divorce
| To understand divorce,
it may be a good idea to look at how the entire world lived until the
invention of the automobile. People lived with extended families
cousins and multiple generations in what might be called village life.
This could even be seen in urban areas with “neighborhoods”.The
children that were raised in these environments had little influence
from TV or radio, schools, or other distractions. Parents guided their
children towards prospective mates from an early age such that most
marriages were foregone conclusions. Marriages themselves were seen as
the inevitable step that continued the culture.
The dynamics of pre-selection and cultural integration do not exist
much anymore. Mate selection is often made with very little knowledge
and using criteria that is often juvenile. This degree of effectively
randomness exacerbates the core problem of marriage, that we are all
selfish. The bible asks how two can travel together unless they be
agreed. Often the people getting married do not have a clear idea of
what their marriage will be. Given the ages of those involved, it is
not uncommon for each to have assumptions and expectations that are far
from reality.
Sadly, when Christianity is added to the modern problem of marriage it
is often not much of a solution. The reason most Christians suffer the
same difficulties as those who are not Christian which is that most
Christians have no idea what is available to them in Christ. Some even
turn to the laws of Israel trying to find or excuse whatever it is they
want to do or make the other person do. Here it is useful to understand
that Christianity is supposed to be about the transition from the
selfishness of the flesh to the selfless love of Christ-likeness. Few
understand this or how to make it happen.
Christians can often face the consequences of decisions made in haste,
with poor information, and in both developmental and spiritual
immaturity. It is rare for two people to inflict continually increasing
pain on each other. Often a point of equilibrium is reached where
stoney silence, and withdrawal creates survivable pockets to which each
can withdraw. Obviously in a life threatening situation
separation is a useful strategy. However, the experience of a painful
situation does not mean that divorce is the only solution. Many people
think that a divorce is sort of like a reset where they can start over.
It is rather like a car crash where there are various degrees of
injury. One can suffer lifelong effects of the injury.
Many Christians wonder what is permitted for them. For example, if they
divorce, are they permitted to remarry. The answer lies not in what
regulations apply, but in the liberty one has in the grace of God.
Gal 5:13 For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only
use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one
another.
The law and regulations that applied to Israel and those of Israel to
whom Jesus offered the earthly kingdom are not applicable to us today.
We are supposed to make choices that reflect walking by the Spirit
rather than walking in the flesh. The question a Christian should ask
is not what is allowed, but rather what can be recovered or repaired.
Christians who find themselves in a painful marriage seldom wish to
consider that there are changes they need to make in themselves that
contributed to making a poor selection in the first place as well as
responding poorly to the consequences. In such a situation as a
divorce, the individuals usually do not have enough maturity to master
themselves much less be solicitous to each other. This often means an
intervention by someone both can accept as capable of understanding and
instructing. However, at the point of divorce accumulated pain tends
each towards retaliation such that there is often little interest in
trying ti repair damage.
It is key to attempt repair at the first signs of contention. This is
almost impossible if only one party sees that there is a problem. The
real solution to divorce lies in prevention. This is accomplished by
parents who can raise their children with discernment and wisdom as
well as be sought for their honest appraisal of perspective spouses,
not in a half hour interview, but in a years long process of getting to
know character. |
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